Three things you DON’T have to be grateful for this year
As a person who regularly practices affirmations, visualization, and journaling: perspective and positivity are two things I feel very strongly about. I love keeping the big picture in mind and stepping into gratitude wherever possible. I also believe that dwelling on the negative (or things we can’t change) is pointless and drags you, and those around you, down. However, not all positivity is created equally. Denying your true feelings or pain because of this idea that you need to “stop complaining” is not the way to go. The term has been coined “toxic positivity,” and as we are in the season where being grateful is on the top of everybody’s mind, I want to offer my thoughts on this well-meaning practice that can sometimes go awry.
Forcing yourself to be grateful for something that is harmful to you can often fill you with guilt, shame, or resentment, because you are ignoring your true feelings. You convince yourself that you don’t have the right to be upset. Your attention becomes focused on criticizing yourself to “shake it off,” “suck it up,” or “quit complaining.” When you do this, you deny yourself the opportunity to give yourself grace, acknowledge your true needs, or put up much needed boundaries with those around you.
I want you to release these three things that you DON’T have to be grateful for this year.
1. Having a highly dysfunctional family (because it’s better than having no family). I’m not talking about small frustrations here; we all have those. I’m talking about a truly toxic, abusive, or overwhelming family that leaves you feeling jittery at first, and miserable at worst, when you’re around them. Don’t try to tell yourself that “other people don’t have families at all, so I need to be grateful that I’m not alone.” Nope. People who are constantly causing you pain, family or not, need limited or denied access to you, or strong boundaries at a minimum. You can be kind and show love to those who cannot reciprocate it from a distance, or not at all. You have the right to make that decision, and you can build a family of friends and supportive loved ones around you who you can truly feel grateful for.
You can choose to feel grateful that you DO have the choice to create boundaries. You can feel gratitude for your own inner strength, commitment to growth and personal development, and for being strong enough and willing to heal generational wounds. These are beautiful alternatives.
2. Going through a really devastating experience. Yes, it’s all well and good to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but forcing yourself to reframe a terrible situation as a “learning experience” or a “necessary evil” it’s not something I would encourage you to do. I absolutely understand that hard times or extreme experiences can cause a person to take a serious look at their life. They might then make big changes that completely alter the course of their life. The careful line I would encourage you to walk here is to separate the good from the bad appropriately, and to recognize yourself as the actual change maker. Maybe getting in that horrible wreck that left you with a permanent injury did cause you to “wake up” and make some huge changes in your life, but that wasn’t a guaranteed outcome. YOU chose to reflect on that experience, make some big decisions, and then follow through on them. Plenty of people could have the exact same wreck and outcome, with no changes to their behavior or beliefs. The difference is you, and I think you should give yourself more credit.
Instead, you can be grateful for your own resourcefulness, strength, or willingness to change. You can be grateful that you had what it took to get through the situation and make positive changes without being grateful that this terrible thing happened to you. You can be grateful that you had the opportunity to make a different decision. You don’t have to be grateful for the wreck.
3. Being grateful that a terrible experience you had “wasn’t as bad” as what happened to someone else. It is not fair or healthy to compare our grief and tribulations to other people’s as being better or worse. Everyone in this life is walking their own journey and has their own difficulties to face. While it’s true that keeping a perspective on your troubles is a good thing, minimizing your experience as something that you “should be grateful wasn’t worse” is unhealthy. Just because someone might have gone through something that was seemingly worse than what you went through does not negate the fact that you DID go through something difficult. You are allowed to be hurt, worried, overwhelmed, or upset. What you went through was hard, and you should be proud of yourself for digging deep to get to the other side of it. Don’t compare your pain to others.
You can be full of gratitude for those who supported you and showed love to you during that time. You can be grateful that you are no longer in that terrible situation. You can be grateful for your personal qualities of resolve, resilience, and determination. Acknowledge how awesome you are!
It’s always a good thing to keep perspective, and to be grateful for the truly good things that you have in your life, but don’t mistake refusing to acknowledge your pain, hurt, or sorrow as practicing gratitude. You are amazing! Give yourself the love you need when you need it, the grace you need when you need it, and save your gratitude for the things that are truly beautiful and positive in your life. Please share this article with someone who might need the encouragement, or who you want to show gratitude for in your life. Sending you much love this holiday season!
Julie Crenshaw is a Life Coach and author. Her book, “Navigating & Avoiding Awkward Conversations: How to speak to anyone about anything,” has helped readers all over the world improve their communication skills. Follow her on Instagram to learn more about the art of conversation.
